Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

"Halloween candy is for trick or treaters."

I do give some of my candy stash to the cute little people who stomp to the door all glossy-eyed from their sugar highs and the power to demand stuff from grown-ups. How cool! Their parents are always warning them not to accept candy from strangers, but on this one night, they can threaten strangers with malevolent antics if they don't fork over some of the sweet stuff. Anyway, every year, I estimate the number of neighborhood trick-or-treaters, multiply the number by 12, and purchase that amount of snack sized chocolates, plus a few extra. Curiously, I always end up with a surplus--enough to last 'til Easter, when I seem to amass extra hollow chocolate bunnies with names like Sunny and Iris that make me feel a twinge of anthropomorphic-ized guilt as I bite off their heads.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

"Democracy is the best form of government on earth."

I'm not so sure anymore. I started to have doubts about democracy when G.W. Bush was first "elected." Polls said a lot of Americans voted for him because they thought he'd be more fun to have a beer with. They seemed to have confused Frat President with President of the US of A. They when they voted for him again, I became even more dubious about the form of government the ancient Greeks coughed up and the founding fathers got so stirred up about. You'd think Americans would have learned that choosing someone based on who you "relate to" didn't work out so well over the last 8 years. But now I hear people are all enthused about Sarah Palin because "she's a hockey mom!" "She's like me!" As for me, I don't want a president-in-waiting like me. I want someone more informed than, more experienced than, smarter than, more stable than, and with better leadership qualities, judgment and political skills than I have. This whole "like me" appeal of a candidate is scarier than Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. It seems like some really contagious narcissism virus that's a lethal threat to democracy.

Friday, August 8, 2008

“Chocolate cake”

That’s what the label said. I was on the lookout for a cake to celebrate the birthdays of my son and nephew when I spotted one in the bakery case at the supermarket. It resembled a hamburger and roll, with protruding green and red frosting as the lettuce and tomato. Next to it were long pieces of yellow cake (the fries) and a clump of red frosting (the ketchup).

I couldn't move my cart. I gawked at it like a highway accident, and my thought process went something like this: That is ridiculous! It’s so ridiculous, I should get it. No, it’s stupid, and will taste mediocre, at best. Oh! They have yellow and chocolate versions. I’ll get two!

The kind bakery worker offered to write birthday greetings on both cakes. Yes! Mission accomplished, and I could avoid my planned stop at a real bakery. The night of the party, I asked my daughter to help light the candles. When I revealed the desserts--with some pride, I might add--she actually fell down laughing (and clutched her chest, which was a bit alarming). We eventually composed ourselves and carried the candlelit burgers to the table set for 11. The off-key singing was interrupted by explosions of laughter at the grotesque yet somehow charming dual confections. Orders were taken for yellow or chocolate. My son cut the yellow cake first, then sliced into the one labeled chocolate. It was yellow! Through tears and snorts of hilarity, we discussed the possibility of bringing it back to the store for a refund. The plan was ultimately rejected when my husband pointed out that we would likely be offered a replacement chocolate cake, and who would want that? We didn’t want to eat it; we just wanted to laugh at it.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

"Caller ID is the greatest invention since...panini."

Well, sure, it's handy...when I use it. But whenever I get someone's voice mail, my natural/nurtured paranoia sets in: "She's screening my calls. I just know it. I never should have said the dress made her look like a UPS truck."

Monday, June 23, 2008

“The Death Penalty is a Deterrent to Crime.”

Really?…Here’s a scenario…I’m in a drug and alcohol-fueled murderous rage...I’m about to pull the trigger, but suddenly I remember that I live in a state that might put me to death instead of a state where I’ll be locked up for the rest of my I put the gun down and walk away? I don’t think so. Not only is deterrence total psychological hogwash, but states with the death penalty have higher homicide rates than states without it—according to The New York Times, 101% higher! Around the world, 131 countries have abolished the death penalty. And the company we keep? In 2006, 91% of all executions took place in just six countries: China! Iran! Iraq! Pakistan! Sudan! and...drum roll...the U.S. of A! I say, let's kill the death penalty!

Monday, June 2, 2008

“I’m leaving to spend more time with my family.”

Why do THEY even bother saying that? Everyone knows when people invoke The Family, it means they were sent packing for doing something really sleazy. But they do the dance every time: The sleaze-of-the-week is introduced in laudatory terms by the very party who told him to get out NOW! to avoid further toxic association with the disgraced resignee, who then slouches to the microphone and mumbles the lame line about “my family.” What, are we supposed to believe the guy woke up that day and said, “Oh no! I just remembered! I have a family!” The only one who could have legitimately said he was quitting to spend time with his family is Dennis Kucinich. Any day now, his way-hotter-than-he-is wife might look at a photo of the two of them and wonder what she was thinking.